If you’re talking to me over the next few days and my phone suddenly cuts off, don’t panic.  The headset I’ve had for the last four or five years has gone bad.  I’m still on the call, it’s just that I can’t hear you.

I have a corded headset.  When it started cutting off today, I discovered that if I bend the wire at a specific point, and in a specific direction, the connection stays constant.  So, now I have almost hands-free telephone capability.  But, it’s more like one hand free, and the other hand has a few free fingers, and if I get it in exactly the right place and don’t breathe, then I have two hands free.

Evidently, this situation could not stand.  So, I started an Internet search for a new headset.  Maybe a cordless one this time, if the sound quality was good.  I went to the website for the phone company (who shall remain nameless because I think I’ve complained about them before) and looked at their headsets.  They make quality products, and I don’t have time to mess around with poor telephone connections, so I wanted to get one of their headsets to go with their phone system that I use.

The site showed the phones and the headsets, but there was nothing in either place that indicated which one went with which.  So, I decided I needed some help.  The website, of course, has no contact phone number, since it’s a store site, and why would you want people contacting you in order to make a purchase, right?

Then, I noticed that the phone has a sticker on it with an 800 phone number.  Ah Ha!  I thought.  I’ve got them now!  Thus started the telephone-answering-system-from-hell routine.

After wading through many “menus”, I discovered a number I could push to get pre-sales assistance.  After listening to another menu of choices based on what kind of assistance I wanted, I picked one.  Did I get transferred to a human being?  No!  The nice lady on the recording referred me back to the website.  But, she did give me a promotion code for 10% off on the purchase.

So, I dialed again, and tried my old trick of pressing random buttons trying to get to an operator.  The “O” didn’t work, neither did the  *, # or anything else I tried.  All I got was the lady on the recording, who I swear sounded a bit annoyed at that point, telling me that I should listen to the menu again, and make a selection from among the available options!!  Sigh.

So, I decided to look elsewhere.  There is a Best Buy close to me, and they are an authorized reseller of the products from the phone company.  However, in checking the Best Buy website, I discovered that the headset I wanted isn’t available at any of the local Best Buys, near or far.

Back to the phone company phone line I went.  I lied to the lady on the recording, and told her I was having a problem with my phone.  Surely, that should work.  Well, it did eventually.  First, I had to spend approximately 45 seconds (which is a long time when you’re on the phone), listening to the lady on the recording describe the 45 things that might be causing the problem I told her I was having.  Luckily, at the end of that diatribe, she offered to let me speak to a customer representative.

The customer rep was very friendly, but of course, he needed my entire life history along with the serial number of the phone I was calling about.  After he slowed down, I admitted that I’d lied, that I didn’t have a problem with my phone, but was trying to purchase a headset that would work with it.  He informed me that the cordless headsets were the latest technology, and would provide better sound quality than the corded ones.  We’ll see if that’s true!

He also explained the difference between two of the models that were available.  Having made a selection, then, I asked: “And, this will work with my phone, right?”

And, he answered: “Well, it depends on the type of phone you have.”

Evidently, he had moved out of telephone repair mode and had forgotten how our conversation started.  He said that he could transfer me to a representative who could expedite the order.  That sounded good, because I need to get both my hands back as soon as possible.  And, he gave me a promotion code good for 10% off the price.  Actually, it was the same one that the lady on the recording had given me.  But, I thanked him and waited for the transfer to the order takers.

The wait for the order taker was interminable.  But, since I wasn’t talking to anyone, I had both hands free, so I just worked while waiting.  Finally, another human being answered the phone.  I explained the purpose for my call.

The order taker explained that it would be better if I purchased the headset online.  I’d get free shipping, and she could give me a promotion code good for 15% off the purchase.  I remained calm, thanked her for the assistance, and decided that 15% off and free shipping was better than someone expediting the order.  By that point, I didn’t believe that anyone there could expedite the order, anyway.

What puzzles me is why the company didn’t tell the customer service person about the 15% promo code and the free shipping.  And, why didn’t they tell him that the order takers he transferred me to wouldn’t take an order?

And, finally, why does a company HAVE order takers if they don’t take orders??

The world is truly a wild and mysterious place. . .